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Story

GLENS FALLS, NY— Rachel Ray, of Food Network fame, came out in support today of presidential hopeful John McCain. The announcement came followed by a Jump in the polls for McCain, with Obama now trailing in the youth vote 30 percent to 60 percent. The frighteningly powerful endorsement has been met with a mixed public response, as citizens cling to their adoration of celebrities but can't help but question how stupid they are.
“I'm so filled with anxiety and longing, waiting the final 15 seconds of my microwave meal that I usually eat my hot pocket with a frozen center.” says Chris Satula, of Larchmont NY. “I mean, when she came up with those 30 minute meals? She had me wrapped around that cute, little, butter encrusted finger. This is my food! Should I really have to work any harder to eat this shit?
When reached for comment New York Representative Nita M. Lowey (D - NY) a personal friend of Ray's said,
"Rachel took the pain and suffering out of preparing my own food. Thanks to her, the burden of having to nourish myself is alleviated. Rather then deciding to buy a taco with the change from my car whenever I get the whim and then consuming it on the freeway, I wait to eat those tacos while watching Rachel dazzle me in the kitchen. My car insurance has dropped significantly thanks to Rachel.”
Before Rachel Ray's success, there was an overwhelming fear held by Americans of ordinary actions like cutting ones own vegetables or using a stove or oven in the kitchen. This burden has been somewhat alleviated by Ray's perky and entertaining personality, which allows TV viewers to numb themselves just long enough to proceed with the laborious, painful, cooking process for up to 30 minutes.
On a recent appearance by Operah Winfrey on Rachel Ray's cooking show, Operah's food testers where bypassed while someone had managed to serve her an arsenic laced Chicken Parmesan. Public outcry has been squelched by an extra rotation of 30 Minute Meals and the launching of Ray's book tour. Most of the Senate and Congress are too charmed by Ray to intervene and the Executive Branch calls it a private matter between two adults.
When asked for comment on this matter Ray's spokesperson said in a Russian accent "Rachel Ray is now the unchallenged ruler of the Ministry of Television, those that oppose her, we will starve them."
At a time when many Americans are feeling the media has failed them, people are reaching out to celebrities for much needed political direction and hand holding. Previously in regard to celebrity endorsements, Americans were asking themselves, do we care? This view took a 180 degree turn when Ray got political.
In a CNN survey as to the public opinion of Rachel Ray, four out of five young women stated that they never actually make anything from the Food Network, but are fond of incorporating Ray's cute catch phrases into conversation. Eight out of ten of the men surveyed admitted to having fantasies of Rachel Ray in an inflatable pool of chicken stock and olive oil.
The McCain camp has taken full advantage of this opportunity, releasing a series of T-shirts with Ray's slogans, such as “so delish" and “oh my gravy,” featuring John and Cindy McCain lying around in a pile of mash potatoes and pees.
“The Stunning and Sensual power of McCain is now realized thanks to Rachel Ray's endorsement. Let me put it this way; old and decrepit is in”
Some voters, like Pat Flynn of Newton MA are not so optimistic,
“I was shocked to see the influence that celebrities have on politics. “I really lost faith when Rachel, a trusted celebrity, made this endorsement; she never let on to this in the dreams where we walk hand in hand on a plate of chicken salad by the sea”